I'm breaking down, Whispers would deafen me now

Canon Divergent Shadowgast Shipfic

It’s taking everything in him to not summon Frumpkin right now. Because Essek is sat on the floor of The Ball Eater in front of him and he’s wringing his wrists in his hands in a way that’s bound to be causing a burn. Caleb Widogast is not good at people, or understanding people more like, they do stuff he doesn’t understand, but this he gets, and it’s hard to not join in. To summon his familiar or pull a spell component out of his pouch to fiddle with in his hands.

So he gets down on his knees, he doesn’t like being on his knees, the wood of the ship feels wrong even through the fabric of his breeches and he can somehow feel small grains of sand on the floor under his hands and it all feels terrible but that can be dealt with later, Essek is freaking out and his wrists are starting to bleed slightly and he just wants him to stop, to stop being upset or scared or stressed because it’s distressing

He doesn’t remember exactly what he says, but he does remember pressing a kiss to Essek’s forehead, brushing his hair out of his face slightly and slightly mumbling the incantation to fortune's favour against deep purple skin, the meaning hopefully gleaned from the gesture.

Essek stops rubbing his wrists after a few moments, which is good, it’s an improvement, but there is still sand on Caleb’s hands and the wood still feels bad on his knees, so he makes quick work of standing back up, but not before taking some fabric from his component pouch and wrapping it around Essek’s wrists tightly, the red seeping through the white, not much, but Caleb can tell.

The rest of the nein don’t do anything for a while, he doesn’t even remember any of them leaving but suddenly it’s just him in the room with Essek, who is still on the floor, Caleb doesn’t want to join him down there, it feels, wrong, so he tries to coax Essek up, and then there are thin fingers on the palm of his hand, that slowly wrap around, and a slight tug, barely there, and he takes that as a que to pull Essek up to his feet.

He’s shorter than Caleb, when he’s not floating, and usually it’s not too noticeable but right now, in the damp interior of The Ball Eater, the occasional creak in the wood as the docked ship sways under the force of the waves, and a sliver of moonlight just casting on the wall behind them, the difference is almost astronomical, fine robes of silver and black replaced with the homey feel of dwendalian nobility, Esseks arms wrapped around his torso like a life line, the vulnerability shines through like the sun and it’s hard to not notice the difference in size, and Caleb has to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying something, nothing out of malice, he just finds it hard to not make observations and speak them outloud, but this isn’t the time.

“So, what do you want to do with me now?” it almost sounded broken, the prideful tone Caleb had come to associate with Essek gone, replaced with something that sounded like if a broken mirror could talk.

“That I am not certain” his own voice sounded miles away, quiet, uncertain.
“I believe, we, uh, The Nein, I mean, will be talking about it in the morning”

And then silence. a very long stretch of silence only buffeted by the periodic creak of the ship.
Caleb gently tugs at Esseks hand, leading him towards the door back onto the deck of the ship. near silent footsteps against the sea weathered wood of the deck, pulling him towards the cabins. Even without the use of levitation, Essek moves with grace, and then they’re walking down the steps into the lower quarters, towards Calebs room.

“Caleb, I really sho-“ his voice is even quieter down here, he's probably trying not to wake the rest of The Nein which is ridiculous, because Veth once set off a faulty explosion in the lab of the Xorhaus and the only evidence it disturbed anything was the sound of birds taking off from the roof outside.

“Bitte, Essek” he chokes out and god how utterly pathetic does that sound, his voice caught in his throat halfway between a sob.

Essek doesn’t say anything after that, simply nods and allows himself to be led into Caleb’s room. Caleb doesn’t really know what to do now, he just wanted to get them out of that cold and damp room, but all of the ship is cold and damp, and promptly flicks a few dancing lights into the corners of the room, the orange glow not doing much for heat, but making the room feel warmer with the light.

Then he removes his boots, pointedly looking at Essek to do the same, placing them both at the foot of the bed, and removing his coat and book holsters, the first being tossed atop a chair in the room, and the second being delicately placed atop a desk. And then Essek’s cloak and tunic join the purple coat, the warm reds and browns offsetting the cool and cold cuts of the garment, funny, how the tables have turned.

And then he’s dragging Essek towards his bed, gently,

“Ah, Caleb I, I’m flattered but I’m not, I don’t ” there’s a hint of panic in his voice, that won’t do, Caleb doesn’t want that.

“Ah, no I, I was just wanting you to lay down, you're shaking, I’m not, it’s not, I am not, it’s not my ‘Jam’ as Jester would put it” he lifts his hands slightly and quotates the ‘Jam’ part, the words fumbling out of his mouth like scrolls of spells sneaked from the extensive library of the academy from when he was a child

There’s a small sigh of relief, and then Essek slowly lowers himself to the bed. Back pressed firm against the wooden walls of the ship, Caleb joins him, looping his arms around his waist, tucking Esseks head under his chin.

“I am, I will find it hard to trust you after this Essek” it almost pains him to say it, to have the words register in his head now he’s spoken them aloud.

“I would find it, strange if you still trusted me, though I am surprised you haven’t struck me down where I stood, or have Jester message the Bright Queen the second you noticed me at that party” there’s a hand in his hair, carding through wavy red locks that've been pulled out of its tie during the nights activities and the rush to get back to the ship.

“Essek it is my trust in your morality that you have lost, never my friendship, i would be a fool if I didn’t give you the same chance The Nein have given me.” They're nose to nose now, Essek’s golden eyes meeting Caleb's blue ones, the contact so sharp he has to look away, and settles on looking at the small star dangling from his ear.

“Enough of this talk Essek, just for tonight, just for tonight”, there’s a small noise of affirmation, though distant and he snaps his fingers, summoning Frumpkin like he wished to do not so long ago in the dingy room upstairs, the fey settling between their bodies, not quite pressed together, the purrs disrupting the silence between them like a thunderstorm, and when Caleb looks back at essek his eyes are shut and his breathing slowed, and yet he still looks sad, pale white lashes dusting dark purple cheeks, the light from the spell cuts out, plunging the room into darkness, as Caleb closes his eyes, and dreams of golden eyes, and a knife between his ribs.